


Silhouette

by Hawkgay



Series: Indelible Ink [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Compliant, Angst, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Established Relationship, M/M, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Venting while Drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-05-16 07:31:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5819656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkgay/pseuds/Hawkgay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>on a birthday Clint would rather forget about he accidentally takes a pill that changes him into an inhuman. While Phil runs the containment and deals with the well meaning agents back at base throwing a birthday party in his honour.<br/>Pretty much inhuman Clint/handless Phil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is unbeta'd and written when really bored.  
> name comes from the Owl City song of the same name  
> I dedicate this to my girlfriend because our anniversary is coming up

Warm arms surrounded Clint, he curled up closer and rested his head in the crook of Phil's neck, breathing in the warm safe scent of the older man. He wanted to stay like this forever, if only the world didn't need agent Coulson. Nights like this were rare, stolen by Clint when he could get away with it. This had been first time in over a year, someone else took up Phil's time now, a woman who played the cello and fit into his life better than Clint. Light started to stream in through the bedroom's blinds, a little while later he felt Phil gently wake up and start to move. Clint pressed himself closer and tried to fake sleep. The voice above him murmured in his ear, the words indistinct and formless. The whispering slowly became louder and louder until it turned into screams of pain. Cooling blood pooled around the entwined figures, the coppery smell making Clint gag. Holding on to the body in front of him Clint finally realized the source of the blood, he went to feel Phil's heartbeat and found a hole instead.

 

Clint jolted awake, cold sweat covered him in buckets. Staring at the ceiling and reminding himself that it had only been a nightmare, one from a distant memory mixed up with the horror of Loki's torture. Pushing himself up Clint surveyed the room, scattered about the floor were different types of rubbish. Bottles and old take out food cluttered the surfaces, it probably smelt awful but Clint didn't notice any more. Digging his phone out from down the side of the couch he checked the time and date, crap now he understood why that nightmare resurfaced. Today should've been Phil's 51

birthday, something Clint wished he could forget about. Spacing out the urgent need to pee brought him back to the here and now, he carefully picked a path through the piles of refuse and went into the bathroom.

 

Things were a little cleaner in here, after emptying his bladder Clint examined himself in the mirror hanging above the sink. The bags under his eyes looked like bruises in the florescent light, his hair stuck up in odd angles and his eyes looked beyond tired. Clint knew he should take care of himself better but Nat had left on some trip with Steve and he only really listened to her. Pepper badgered him about it every time he went upstairs for something, she gave him various vitamins and other health crap that just ended up making his medicine cabinet a jumbled mess. Clint now tried to avoid upstairs at all costs, including Jarvis and his offers of cleaning. Someone entered the filthy apartment and announced themselves.

 

“I'm home from my trip, thought you would need me today,” the welcoming voice of Natasha made it's way through the open bathroom door.

 

Clint opened the medicine cabinet hidden behind the mirror and grabbed what felt like a bottle of aspirin. Taking one he only noticed his mistake when his legs started to be bound by something, looking down a brown husk slowly began to consume his body. Dropping the bottle in his hand Clint tried to fight the chrysalis now up to his waist. The effort was futile, it continued to grow and pin him in place, eventually covering his face. For what seemed like an eternity images flashed through Clint's mind, it felt like looking out of someone else's eyes. Different faces came and went but he only recognized one, May Phil's old partner popped up a couple of times. Suddenly the husk cracked into pieces, releasing Clint from both his prison and torture.

 

Nat found the chrysalis remains a few minutes after he'd emerged, picking up the dropped bottle she read the back and started to look around the other rooms in the apartment. Clint had sat hidden in a corner near the toilet, when Natasha came back to search again he suddenly understood why, she couldn't see him. Getting up Clint slowly followed her out into the living room, once he was close enough he chose to boop her nose to see what would happen. Natasha's reflexes kicked in and she punched him in the gut, she only saw him properly after he had curled up in a ball on the dirty floor.

 

“Well that seems to be the limit of whatever the fuck just happened to me,” he said muffled by the floor.

Natasha looked down at huddle on the floor, “that's your own fault now get up, there's a team meeting soon and you are expected to be there, we can discuss this further with them” she barked out as she helped Clint off the floor. Before he could get his bearings Nat had grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the squalid apartment then into the elevator.

 

***

 

With an air of sadness Coulson looked around his well used office, his eyes kept being drawn to a shelf of objects in particular. They were kept around some of his rarer Captain America collectables, birthday gifts from what felt like a lifetime ago. A small flock of different of hawk figures from Clint took up some of the small space while Natasha's best find, a Howling Commandos Matryoshka stood pride of place. Taking his eyes from the items he tried to get on with paperwork, fighting a losing battle he let his thoughts run there course. The last year Phil had gained a lot of things, Hydra near extinction, much needed assets and some of the reputation Shield had lost after its fall. The losses endured countered some of the good they'd done, Jemma absorbed by that weird rock, the death of loyal agents and sacrificing his left hand for the greater good. The puzzle of Phil's life should have been complete, he'd always made Shield his first priority. As time went on he found a large piece missing, a bright smile accompanied by quick wit and a intoxicating laugh. Several times over the years he'd almost picked up the phone and contact them instead Phil had taken to watching from afar. The door to his office opened breaking him out of his thoughts.

 

“I know that look Phil, call him he'd be happy to hear from you,” May's face remained stoic as she spoke, by now she knew him too well.

 

“I doubt it Mel, it's been to many years and Clint's better off not knowing the truth. He's got his own team now and moved on, contacting him will only negate the healing.”

 

“keep telling yourself that and one day you'll actually believe the lie. By the way happy birthday I may have accidentally let it slip to the others, they need the morale boost.”

 

“Was that necessary, I didn't want a fuss today,” Phil shouted at the quickly vanishing back of agent May, sighing he resigned himself to his fate. Taking out a folder he chose to get on with one of the more annoying reports, as he finished it Phil got his first well wisher. By the time the fifth person interrupted him, Coulson went and locked the door, the small pile of hurriedly gathered gifts cluttered his desk. This is why he hadn't told anyone, they weren't to know that today made him nostalgic for celebrations spent with Clint and Natasha. Phil just wanted to be left in peace to mourn a family lost to him and a lover he could've taken a chance on. Finally silence reigned in the office before he could go back to work the private phone started to beep, picking it up Hill's face flashed onto the large screen.

 

“I hope I'm not catching you in the middle of something important.  A situation has developed here and it needs Shield's attention,” briskly Hill got straight to the point.

 

“what's happened this time, please say it doesn't involve Stark,” if this was going to be another fiasco like Ultron he'd make good on his promise and taze Tony. Tapping quickly on her keyboard Hill brought up a security video dated only an hour ago, sleeping in the middle of dirty living room lay Clint. Phil watched as the archer thrashed about in his slumber before waking up and walking into the bathroom. The camera switched over to a view of only the sink, Clint stood for a moment then grabbed something out the medicine cabinet. Taking a pill out the bottle he grabbed and swallowed it, that's when Phil realized why Shield would be needed. A husk started to form around Clint's legs, Coulson watched in awe as the other man tried to fight the losing battle. The chrysalis finished forming, encasing Clint for one of the longest moments of Phil's life. As it broke away into pieces the footage stopped and Hill's face came back on the screen.

 

“That's why Coulson, I know Shield are running containment on this,” she gave a meek smile as Phil went into shock. Soon the words filtered into his mind and he broke out of his daze.

 

“I'll send a team as soon as possible, any idea what his gift is? We need to make sure he's not dangerous,” he tried to hide the concern in his voice but it crept in regardless. In all the ways Clint could've come back into his life and it had to do with a mistake Shield made. Phil geared up for chaos this new inhuman would bring once contained.

 

“No clue, Romanoff found him first. She's taken him to meet with the rest of the team. I'll monitor the situation and keep you informed on updates. I think it's for the best if you send agents unknown to the Avengers to try and stop some of the fallout this will bring. Goodbye Phil and happy birthday, expect my gift later today.” Hill's disconnected and the screen went blank.

 

Phil notified the team, choosing to send Daisy and Mack to act as the welcome wagon with May and Bobbi nearby if needed. He didn't know if this was the best birthday ever or the worse, walking over to the shelves Phil removed one of the more worn bird figures moulded to look like a red-tailed hawk. It always had been one of his favourites, given to him after a silly day trip with Clint to a birds of prey centre. The archer even carved his name into the base of it on the way home. Phil placed the figure gently onto his desk and went to deal with the rest of his duties.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

The ride up in the elevator was a silent one, Clint started to work out the tangle of emotions the change had brought bubbling to the surface. Out of a long held habit he rubbed the small tattoo on his left wrist, a reminder and memorial branded on his skin to never forget what he'd lost, in simple black cursive read the date 07/08/1964-05/04/2012. No one except Nat understood the real meaning behind it, he had never told the other's when they asked even when Tony badgered him for a good month. Natasha would always be his pillar of strength in a world gone mad but the last few months she'd been there less and less, helping Steve with some important task and looking for Bruce. Nat kept her eyes on Clint as if he would vanish on her again. The elevator started to slow down before stopping, slowly the doors opened and revealed the common room at its busiest in months. The three newest Avengers had made the trip up from the other base and Steve was home for the first time in over two months. The group were crowded round the dining room covered in various take out boxes, they only gave a cursory glance at the elevator then went back to eating. Natasha found Clint's hand and pulled him towards the team.

 

“Where's Katniss? Still being a grumpy loner and moping in his room,” Tony remarked callously. Natasha ignored him and scanned the group in front of her, figuring out that only Wanda and Vision were able to see Clint. He broke away from Nat and took the free chair next to the younger girl, she gave him a nod of greeting then went back to her food. Most days Clint could deal with Tony's bluster, he'd spent long enough around the dickhead to not let it faze him, then he said something stupid and rubbed Clint the wrong way. “he really needs to get his act together, Shield's been dead long enough by now.”

 

The words hit Clint like a ton of bricks falling from a skyscraper, Stark really didn't know anything about his time at Shield. It wasn't the agency he missed, the office politics and bureaucracy he'd fucking hated and almost walked out on the job more than once. The reason why he stayed so long had been a secret, Phil's ideas spurred Clint on to become a better man and he'd only sought approval from the one person who mattered more than anyone. It gave him the love of saving people and justice that helped him become an Avenger. Standing up abruptly Clint heard the chair clatter to the floor, moving at almost superhuman speed he knocked into Steve before reaching Tony. Pushing the billionaire against a wall Clint grabbed fistfuls of Tony's t shirt, the confusion in the other man's eyes as he finally realized how much he'd fucked up. Clint snarled into his face “Don't you ever fucking dare make assumptions about me or Shield Stark, my loyalty only fully belongs to one person and they are just as dead.”

 

Clint released his grip on Tony seeing Vision in his periphery moving to come and separate the two of them. During the disturbance Natasha had discreetly gone to whisper in Steve's ear, his arms were now tightly crossed and face set in a determined scowl. Tony appeared to be in shock from being assaulted by someone who should not have been in the room even though having a team member manhandle him was a daily occurrence. Moving back Clint tried to make an escape back into the elevator instead he found Vision blocking the way and Natasha giving him a death glare that forced him to stay. Defeated Clint went and picked up his fallen chair and collapsed on to it. Natasha promptly told the team what had happened earlier and showed them the security footage. Clint couldn't bare to watch the video, he chose to get up and make a coffee in a Legolas mug Phil gifted him years ago. Grabbing a muffin he turned round to find everyone staring at the current camera feed and then at him before going back to the screen.

 

Wanda was the first one to speak up about the change “well from what I can tell the effect is negated by physical contact, past that I'm not sure. Even with my gift if I don't keep my full attention on Clint he fades into a vague silhouette. It's like his mind is pushing me away and disrupting my perception.”

 

“So kinda like Bella Swan, he's blocking us from seeing him,” Steve wondered aloud, the whole room collectively gawked at him in surprise, a blush crept up his face as he stuttered an explanation “What? I've had a lot of free time lately and I wanted to know what the fuss was about.”

 

“other than that embarrassing admission from Cap, which I am never ever letting him live down. How the fuck are we going to deal with this, it's not like there's a Hogwarts dedicated to helping people gain control of their powers,” Tony had recovered his usual snarky attitude and contributed to the discussion. Clint could understand the point being made, he would a liability to the team until he'd figure out the limits to his gift. None of them were even sure on how it happened, all the indexed people they'd met over the years had gifts come from either science experiments gone wrong or freak accidents. The only clue on the cause came from the pill bottle he'd dropped on the floor in his bathroom, the analysis on the contents had already begun but without Bruce's medical knowledge the results would be pretty useless.

 

The food on the table vanished as the meeting became more heated, ideas were thrown around from performing all manner of invasive tests and scans to just letting him figure it out on his own. Everyone had a stance and none of them were willing to give in, once it devolved into a recursive argument Clint started to throw bits of leftovers at anyone who'd forgotten he was there. Nat started in on taking him to the middle of nowhere to learn how to control it again while Tony interrupted her to bring up his idea of putting a bell on him like a cat. Just as Steve was about to speak over everyone the elevator doors opened and three people stepped out. Flanking Hill from behind were a young girl and a tall black dude, in a moment of deja-vu Clint realized he'd seen both of them before. He remembered them from the weird flashes of images he'd experienced during his metamorphosis, stunned Clint looked on like a deer in the headlights as the newcomers began to talk.

 

***

 

Watching from the monitors of his office Coulson eavesdropped on the meeting after persuading Hill to let him access the Tower's security cameras. He needed time to just make sure Clint was fine and handling things well, to an untrained eye the archer appeared to okay but spending so many years together Phil knew the façade well. He refused to take his eyes off of Clint, these were the clearest images seen he'd seen in months. The last lot had been blurry cellphone footage from Sokovia Phil combed the internet for, keeping a collection of things pertaining to Clint after being reassigned. He wanted to know about his life without agent Coulson around even if the knowledge felt like being stabbed through the heart again. On lonely nights it gave him solace to remember that Clint had moved on now and lived his new life. A part of Phil would always wish that he'd gone for the archer over Audrey, their relationship had been purely casual he'd assumed since it started from mutual comfort from an op gone bad. The two of them never talked about what they were eventually Phil reached breaking point, he'd saved Audrey and hit it off with her, she was so easy to be around and he'd gotten sick of Clint's bullshit. Now Phil had neither of them and only his work for company.

 

When Clint body slammed Stark into the wall Phil properly paid attention to the meeting, he managed to catch the last sentence the archer snarled. The world stood still as his blood ran cold, the words replayed over and over in Phil's head. Why had Clint mentioned him over some trivial talk from Stark and then it clicked, his birthday must still be a painful day in lives of his old friends. Glad that the birthday party the base were planning was postponed for a few days Phil wondered if he should rescind the order to tell the Avengers about who ran Shield. The decision became finalized once the screen went black, Jarvis obviously figured out that someone had unauthorised entry into his systems. Swapping to the Shield body cams and comms he found Mack and Daisy inside the Quinjet, breaking radio silence Phil barked over the channel

 

“Daisy, do not I repeat do not tell anyone I'm alive. The target needs to remain calm and the truth will push him over the edge. Do you copy?”

 

“Yes Sir, we received your order. The Tower is within sight and me and Mack will disembark soon. Is there any other info you can give me to bring him in or do you trust my judgement,” Daisy's voice sounded slightly worried.

 

“I trust you but before any decision is made ask me, our priority is bringing Barton in not the rest of the Avengers.” finishing off the conversation Phil found himself at a lose end, it would be at least fifth teen minutes until the welcome wagon landed and the other feeds were still black. He played around with the ways he could tell Clint without causing a meltdown. All of them were terrible ideas, he accepted that no matter how he broke the news the fallout would be immense, Phil just hoped that whatever Clint had gained wasn't as cataclysmic as Daisy's. His comm buzzed to life suddenly, switching back to body cams nervously Coulson saw the Avengers angrily staring back. Pinching the bridge of his nose he just knew this mission would go belly up. Stark walked forward and thankfully Phil couldn't hear the shouting being directed at Hill. The only bit of the conversation he heard came from Daisy giving the welcome speech and added explanation on Shield still existing.

 

Clint didn't say anything as they bargained on an agreement. They went back and forth until Daisy calmly informed the group about the inhumans, terrigen crystals and Shield's part in it, then things turned ugly. Phil watched as Natasha went over to comfort her oldest friend and say something to him. The view was blocked when Tony chose to ignore Daisy's personal space. Without a word she threw a punch, Stark smirked as it missed and then all the glass fixtures broke. Silently laughing Phil looked on as Iron man ran with his tail between his legs and hid behind Steve. Using her best agent May impression Daisy pulled the details out of Cap about Clint's gift, she bagged the pill bottle and handed it to her partner. Mack distracted the other's with news on Hydra while Daisy went to talk to Natasha and Clint.

 

The feed now showed the close up face of Barton, showing off the dark bags under his eyes and unshaven stubble. Phil now could tell that things were a lot worse than he thought, pain seemed to ooze from the cracks in Clint's demeanour. He noticed the archer rubbing his wrist and when Coulson got a good view he saw a tattoo, Clint moved too much to read it properly, only catching one string of numbers that matched the day he died. Hope and sadness welled up in the director's heart, without seeing it fully there would be no way in knowing if it was about himself. The years must've been hard on Clint, he'd lost someone in a tragic way and now the betrayal of being alive could destroy him further. Suddenly the camera shifted and Daisy walked over into a corner with Natasha, once they finished talking Daisy switched to him.

 

“Sir am I allowed to have Romanoff come with us, she refuses to let Barton go alone to base.” Daisy asked politely.

 

“That's fine, I expected her anyway. She is to ride in the Quinjet and Barton inside the containment module though.” Phil felt knots form in his gut, the anticipation of seeing the two people he trusted most frightened him.

 

“Great Sir also one more thing Romanoff wants to talk to you,” the younger agent quickly said before taking out her comm and giving it to the other woman.

 

“Hello Coulson, nice to hear from you,” the words blind sided Phil freezing him in place as the comm went dead. He hoped the cat remained in it's securely locked bag if not well things were going to get a lot worse.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I had a family function last week which pretty much emotionally drained me. now I'm sick and addicted to a harvest moon game. I hope you enjoy this since I rewrite parts of a chapter at least twice before actually liking it. please comment and leave kudos it gives me strength.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got broken into two otherwise it was getting super long

For Phil hiding in his office was a viable plan of action for a director of Shield, once Natasha cut off the comm he'd gone into full panic mode. How in hell did she know about his continued existence on this planet, either someone blabbed or she'd worked it out on her own. The next few hours were going to be an absolute nightmare with the added strain of his subordinates trying to celebrate his birthday. They weren't to know that Clint and Natasha used to do the same thing for him every year including dragging Phil out of his office to a party thrown by other agents and a bemused Fury followed by a private meal of with just the three of them. It made Coulson nostalgic of that time, even if his job involved a lot of paperwork and being jettisoned off to different missions, in the end it had been in essence freedom. Back then he could've easily retired and done what he felt like, now he was stuck in a secret base far away while the people he'd loved had moved forward without him. That included Clint, the fantasies of him finding out and searching for Phil ran rampant the first year of his new assignment, eventually they faded as the pressing matter of looking after his team took over his life. Now he was a broken hearted fool who thought back on the comfort given by the archer and wondered if things could've worked out for the better.

Breaking out of his inner monologue Coulson checked when the Quinjet was scheduled to arrive, noting it had been cleared for landing ten minutes ago. Unlocking the office door Phil perched himself on the front of his desk and maneuvered into a position to hide his missing hand. Counting under his breath he got to seventeen before the door slammed open to reveal an irate Natasha and a very smug May. Phil watched as the assassin circled him like a starved tiger, in a flash she pounced and managed to get several well placed hits before May pulled her off him. Using his one good hand Phil analyzed the damage, only a busted lip and what would probably become a spectacular black eye. Nothing compared to the damage caused by his silence of the last three years.

“Good afternoon Natasha, I would offer to work off your frustrations with me in the gym but,” in a deadpan Phil motioned with his stump arm, “as you can see unless May lends me a hand I'm stuck on desk duty.” Spending so many years in a team with Natasha had given him a rundown on how to read her. To most people she was stoic even in the face of defeat but Phil saw the tiny micro expressions only the skilled could pick up. Internally she flinched at the realization that he was not the same man she had known a few years back. Natasha could see past his own barriers and detected not only the physical changes but the emotional ones.

“May you can leave now, the two of us have a lot to catch up on,” taking his eyes of the red head he watched as May gave him an unconvinced look before shrugging and walking out. Natasha's carefully constructed walls fell as she moved towards Phil and embraced. An act of affection only allowed when no one else was around.

“there's still a lot of unanswered questions Phil but firstly how the fuck did you lose a hand and is their someone liable so I can make them disappear.” Natasha stood back and tried to discreetly dislodge some of the tears in eyes.

“Don't worry, I lost it on a mission. A sacrifice made to protect some of my best agents, one of whom saved my life by an emergency amputation via an axe. As you can see I barely learned from anything from New York,” he tried to make the last part jokey but it fell flat. Knowing this was the best chance to solve a mystery he finally asked “How do you even know I'm alive, the few people who knew outside Fury and Hill died when Shield fell.”

Natasha had started to examine his office closer and now was inspecting the pile of gifts on his desk. Weirdly a conversation with her was easy, she possessed a tact Clint lacked. While Natasha did attack him but afterwards she pushed her anger aside to have a productive discussion. She began to talk as she poked at the hula doll Daisy had given him “I guessed, only one person I know who could turn a kid into a worthy agent of Shield. I think her name was Daisy acted like Clint did whenever you were around or listening in on comms. It's rather cute you still adopt strays and make them the heroes of tomorrow. If she really wanted to Daisy could become an Avenger in a blink of an eye given her gift.”

“I'm afraid her loyalties lie firmly with Shield, she realized while the Avengers are good for the big things to truly protect the world you need to do it from the shadows. You'd know that from your agent days.” Phil grabbed the doll and put it out of the assassin's reach while Natasha found the hawk figure and started to absentmindedly throw it in the air.

  
“Tell me why you never found me and Clint, we would've loved to have know you were still alive. Both of us needed your help and guidance as not just our mentor but our friend. Things broke after losing you, Clint fell apart while I got forced back into active duty.” Natasha caught the hawk deftly and returned it to the desk focusing all her attention onto Phil.

“The short answer is Fury. After a long recovery I was allowed back to work, he bribed me into silence by giving me all I needed to get one of my projects off the ground. The mobile task force I always wanted for first response from odd occurrences and all it cost was my entire life and don't you ever think I forgot about you Natasha, whenever I could I sent help. All the info we gathered from hunting Hydra went directly to Hill, including Von-Strucker's base and the whereabouts of Loki's spear. I even sent the helipad to evacuate civilians in Sokovia. No matter what Shield was never far behind. No matter what I still cared about you and Clint Natasha I just thought it better to stay dead and leave you two to grieve.” Phil knew he'd been very blunt with his words, there was no point pussy footing around the subject. The past happened and years had gone by without him ever breaking the void left from his old life.

Natasha had changed from being congenial to creating an aura of anger around herself. She spitted out the next sentence “That is not the agent Coulson I know, what the fuck changed you so completely to even believe that was the right choice.”

“Death did, I spent three days in a morgue before an inhumane medical procedure brought me back left me questioning who I was anymore. I should've stayed dead but Fury refused to lose one of his trusted few and went against my wishes. The story of how is a long convoluted affair I doubt you want to hear it.” he grimaced at the memory of both the fake Tahiti and the very real medical slab, laid out with half his skull missing. They were never far from his mind, a reoccurring nightmare he could never run from.

Natasha's face softened, empathizing with some of the pain he felt. She understood what an unwanted medical procedure felt like. “I do want to hear it Phil, it's not like I can go bother Clint yet but before we start I need to warn you to not hurt him. Your death hit him the hardest and I spent three of your birthdays scrapping him off rock bottom and stopping his self destructive behavior. The evidence is on his back, I dragged him out of a tattoo parlor last year after he got a tramp stamp of something I doubt you even remember. Trust me you'll be paying for it if I find Clint unduly distressed.” while her tone sounded comforting just under the surface was a threatening edge.

Phil collapsed into his chair as Natasha sat on his desk, he started to regale her the story of project T.A.H.I.T.I. and it's place within the Avengers initiative. Robotically going through the trauma he had suffered from its implementation Phil described issues surrounding the project including its side effects and only cure; to rewrite over the memories of treatment. He eventually went on to talk about the weeks preceding the discovery of the implanted memories and the interruption on trying to contact Fury by the fall of Shield. As the hours went on Natasha sat transfixed as the true horror of the story became apparent. Soon all he had left to tell her was some of the more interesting adventures his team had went on, they only realized the time when May knocked on his door to tell them Clint was nearly through inhuman orienteering. They both went their separate ways, Phil to watch through the containment module's footage and Natasha to go comfort Clint.

***

May being the main supervisor of the party had let everyone off it for now, it was getting late and the new guests took up most of the base’s interest. She might’ve also let it slip to the younger agents where exactly the inhuman task force were going before they left. If she was going to have to deal with the irritation of agent Barton she might as well have fun with the situation. Going to the kitchen she saw a bunch of agents in huddle, using a death glare on one of them she managed to get a look at what they were crowded around. Playing on one of the base’s tablets was the video footage of Daisy feigning a punch at Stark and then blowing out the glass fixtures. Smirking she grabbed a bottle of water and left the huddle in confusion. Oh the next few days were going to be fun. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the really long update, the netbook I was writing on died and I had to wait until my old computer was fixed. the next chapter will be written soon as I find Clint parts somewhat easier than Phil's. also added May for shits and giggles.
> 
> thanks for reading, Kudos and comments are very welcome


	4. Chapter 4

The containment module Clint had been shoved into was cold and clinical with the added personality of Shield. The stark white walls closed in on him, feeling trapped Clint retreated to the module's tiny bunk and maneuvered into the fetal position. This place hit way too close to home for comfort, reminding him of the time he'd spent in the isolated seclusion of Shield's psyche unit. Months of seclusion spent with only his thoughts for company, the monotony of the day broken up by the various Shield doctors all making sure Loki was really gone from his mind by poking him with needles and talking. Day after day Clint replayed the last conversation with Phil, he'd deliberately been belligerent and froze the agent out. Now he wished he'd smoothed everything over after the huge argument from a few days before but well hindsight is 20/20. With so much time to think Clint had begun to understand how fucked up his life was, the only person he'd ever really loved lay dead in a grave, Natasha had been put straight back into active duty and reassigned and his future at Shield looked uncertain. In the entirety of his involuntary incarceration no one came to visit him until the last day. After another round of useless tests Clint returned to his cell to find the leather clad imposing form of Director Fury waiting, arms crossed and face set in his trademark glower.

“Good news agent Barton, you're getting released later today. Arrangements have been made and the paperwork should be finalized any minute now. There are a few conditions you need to sign off on before allowing you to leave.” Fury barely moved as he handed Clint a stack of paper then continued to talk, “they are a demotion to clearance level 3, confinement to base until further notice, daily check ins with a superior and a monitoring bracelet until at such time you can be considered safe.”

“Well I've been truly fucked over, if I don't agree what'll happen to me. It can't be as bad as being stuck in psyche.”

“if you don't play ball Barton the World Security Council will force you to be placed into a high security cell in a remote location. Since you've been in here the WSC are baying for blood. The WSC can't exactly reach the rest of the Avengers but they can you and they've made it pretty clear they want to make an example out of you. Trust me this was the best deal I could broker without compromising Shield.” finally Clint understood how much is was up shit creek without a paddle, the only option would be to wait out the restrictions and be glad to be out of psyche.

“Fine, I'll sign. Just expect me to say no to any mission I don't feel comfortable with, I'm not some puppet that'll go along with everything a higher up says.” With nothing much else to add Clint scribbled his signature onto the paper and gave it back to Fury, watching the Director leave the only thing Clint could do was wait. By the end of the day he'd been escorted from Psyche to his new abode inside the Hub, one of the agents assigned to him roughly handed Clint a box, opening it he found the personal belongings confiscated by Shield when he'd been committed. Once alone he rummaged inside until Clint found what he was looking for, his old leather wallet still had everything where he had left it. Ignoring the contents he fumbled to slide out a folded piece of paper hidden under his ID, it was painfully well maintained with almost no creases or wrinkles. The writing on the outside of it had been from a debriefing last year but that wasn't the reason Clint kept it, the inside of it was what mattered. A drawing overtook half of the back blank page, a cartoon hawk wearing a quiver of arrows, a pair of sunglasses and holding a cocked bow and arrow stared back at him, underneath in a well know scrawl were the initials P.C. Just looking at it reminded him of that overly boring meeting that even Coulson had stopped paying attention to, slipping Clint the drawing and smirking when Clint burst out laughing causing the meeting to end. It hurt to know those days were never coming back and nor was Phil, tears streamed down his face as Clint cried for all he'd lost.

 

Back to the present Clint felt as the room paused for a few minutes before starting again, until finally it came to a standstill. The door opened, stealthily he crept towards the newly accessible exit to find a room very similar to the one he was already in. Not far from him staring at a screen stood a familiar blonde haired woman, Clint noticed crutches propping her up and a brace around one of her knees. Leaving the module he walked forward and put an arm around Bobbi's shoulders. “you seem to be quite a bit worse for wear, finally got into a fight you couldn't win,” Clint knew better than to bait another bear who could beat him up as she hit him on the back of his knee with one of her crutches. Hopping Clint grabbed his knee while spitting out some expletives. Bobbi turned around with only a small hitch letting Clint see the rest of the damage, white bandages peeked out from the top her tank while under her eyes showed she'd had plenty of sleepless nights. She'd barely changed even after all the years, fire still glinted behind her eyes and a smile graced her mouth.

“It's nice to see you still write checks your mouth can't cash Barton, trust me even in this state I can kick your ass from here to Timbuktu. Now I shouldn't have even done that because I'm benched and only here as the resident biology expert. Don't worry the screen will guide you through the various scans to compile a full medical report, you also need to change into the clothes provided and dump all personal belongings in the drawer over by the containment module...” as Bobbi continued to speak Clint turned around and started to pull his top over his head and gave the other agent a good look at the base of his spine, in pride of place in what could only be called a tramp stamp was a ridiculous tattoo of hawk holding a bow and arrow with a quiver of arrows on its back, in tiny writing Bobbi could just make out the very well known signed initials of Philip Coulson. Ignoring it she finished her sentence “for analysis. You could've at least waited until I left the room jeez, Daisy should be down once you're finished and she'll explain more then” Bobbi started to hobble towards the door.

“already leaving I thought we could catch up some more, it's nice to finally see someone I recognize that isn't permanently deadpan like May.”

“maybe later Barton, I have a job and things to do,” she turned around one final time and Clint noticed her look into the empty space next to him, a serious expression on her face “Clint you do realize that Coulson would be proud of you right.” before he could react to those words the doors swallowed her leaving him in the cold empty room to ponder her words.

Once he'd finished the inane physical exams dictated by the screen and changed into his new clothes Clint sat on the end of the bed before collapsing backwards. Closing his eyes he tried to get Bobbi's words to make some sense, it seemed weird to bring Phil up at all. She'd barely known the agent back when he'd still been alive and he doubted she knew the true extent of his and Coulson's relationship unless Natasha spilled the beans on them. Something fishy was going on and Clint would be making sure he found out. Hearing the door open Clint sat up to see the agent from the tower entering, the younger girl paused for a moment before walking towards him. She stared to the space a little to the left of him as she began talking.

“Hi I'm Daisy, we met back at your base but I doubt you paid much attention to me, I'll repeat the info told to your team in a moment. We just need to inform you that to mitigate your new powers we have comms in connected to someone with access to the rooms camera's, they'll be feeding your position and reminding us this isn't an empty room. I hope you don't mind.” gently Clint touched her wrist, wanting to make sure the young agent could see him.

“Don't worry I've had Jarvis watching me, just tell the truth, today is a shit day already without the added superpowers and finding out this place isn't dead. I don't need things dumbed down for me.” he knew he was acting kind of dickish but if anything no one would blame him.

“Clint you are apart of tiny percentage of the population that has dormant alien gene in their DNA. When they come across a chemical compound called terrigen they go through a complete transformation, recently the compound was released into our Eco-system. I'm also one of the people with said gene that has gone through the change, people like us are called inhumans. I'm here to help you through the transition and control your powers.” the speech Daisy rattled off seemed like something she'd only learnt recently, obviously whatever happened to cause the emergence of gifted people it occurred in the last few months.

Fuck it chose to rant and release some of the bad mood inside himself “well then Daisy, I'm not freaked out by any of this, I live with a dude from the forties, a tech genius who can't shut up, a girl who can move shit with her mind, a fucking android, a man who flies and an Ex Soviet spy. They cause a lot of weird shit just by accident and when they do want to cause trouble someone always almost loses a body part. Today is a bad day for me, it's why I was in a funk earlier, one of my closest friends would have had a birthday today if he hadn't died. I just want to get a handle on this thing so I can go back to my real life job of being a superhero.” with Phil being on his mind so much of course he'd mention it to an agent who probably never met the man, the pain welled up under the surface enough to feel bad for being mean to the younger agent.

“I'm sorry about your friend, we've lost a few people not long ago and everyone is still dealing with that,” taking his outburst on the chin she sat beside him on the bed. It wasn't long before she started to talk again. “okay now after what you've said about your team I really need to know the trouble the Avengers get in, the inner fan girl in me is crying to find out.” deftly she went past the previous morbid chat and asked something he could answer. He could shit talk about the Avengers for hours without a problem, feelings were the things he sucked at.

“the last time involved Stark, leftover explosives and a miniature IED hidden in a drawer. Let's just say there is now a massive hole in one of the meeting rooms and Stark being put in time out by his spouse. Trust me there is way too many incidents to go through.” Clint spent the next few hours telling stories on the various prank wars that had popped up whenever the Avengers were under one roof. One of the highlights like Natasha after a mission got sick of Tony's shit and choosing to get back at him by buying a fake snake, placing it on the pillow next to the sleeping genius waiting in the dark until Tony woke up and began screaming. Finally Daisy checked the time, the evening had crept in without neither of them noticing. After saying her goodbyes she quickly exited the room leaving Clint alone again today. Sleep slowly beckoned him towards the sweetness of complete oblivion, crawling under the blankets he barely registered when Natasha came in later and slipped in next to him. Wrapping her arms around his chest which almost brought him back to full wakefulness, quietly she whispered words into his neck to soothe him off to sleep. Clint hoped that tomorrow morning would be better, at least it couldn't be as bad as today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally the newest chapter is done sorry for the long wait I'm a master at procrastinating. 
> 
> this chapter also kind of got away with me, it would've been longer but I've chosen to put it in the next one. also I'm running on lack of sleep from my dedication to finish it in the last few days.
> 
> if you like it please leave a comment or a kudos, it really makes my day.


	5. Chapter 5

Nonsensical streams of memories bombarded Clint's dreams, the smell of blood hit him first as he looked out from someone else's eyes. On the ground before him laying in a growing pool of blood was himself, it took a moment to realize the memory this came from. An op gone wrong in Ukraine where Clint got shot in the shoulder and spent hours trying to stay conscious as Phil clung onto him like a small child. Hours after this once he was fixed up and less high both of them ended up tumbling into bed together, adrenaline still racing through their veins as they comforted each other by giving into something that hung between them for years. Reality came back with a bump once they had finished and like everything Phil and Clint refused to talk about it, pretending the night shared together never happened until it did again. And again. And again. It felt strange to watch himself on the edge of death mumbling idiotic things. The dream quickly morphed into something different, instead of the decayed urban block a second ago Clint was now inside a grey ventilation room. Judging by the gentle swaying underfoot as well as the cutting scent of sea salt and oil, he guessed he'd been transported to a ship.  
Surveying the situation he saw at least one hostile, some weird ass dude teleporting from place to place with blank skin where his eyes should be. He seemed to be trying to get a case behind Clint, innately he knew whatever inside of it was dangerous to not just him but the two other people in the room. Once the threat neutralized he watched as a crystal fall from the dead man's hands, without thinking Clint dove forward and stopped it from breaking on the floor. Relief spread through him which quickly changed to fear,Staring at his hand he watched it slowly start to petrify. Before it reached up to his elbow an axe swung down, hewing his arm from his body.

Startled awake Clint rolled over and fell onto the floor of the strange room. Opening his eyes a dull headache thumped in his head, why'd he been drinking again? Oh now he remembered Phil's birthday was yesterday. Remnants of the former day sluggishly went through his mind, shaking him out of the overly realistic weird dream he just broke out of. Guessing the meaning would be something about how Phil dying was like losing a hand Clint pulled himself off the floor. Natasha barely stirred from the commotion, when she felt safe she slept like the dead, stretching out his back a sharp pain radiated from the middle of his back . Not wanting to disturb her Clint walked over to the nearest mirror, not caring if someone watched him from the other side and pulled up his borrowed shirt, turning round he craned his neck to look at his back. The stupid tattoo of the cartoon Phil drew him years ago was something he never regretted but wished he'd been sober for had a raised red appearance like the needle touched it yesterday, an allergic reaction this long afterwards was unlikely. The door slid open but Clint ignored the person coming in, too engrossed by the change in his tattoo to care about some Shield agent here to interrogate him some more.

“Nice ink, I bet it has a great story behind it.” that voice, in all intents and purposes that voice should be silenced by the grave instead Clint whipped around to the source. Standing by the door, in a full suit minus a tie was Phil, a smirk on his face with a black eye and split lip and an arm in a sling. Several feelings overcame Clint, happiness, anger, betrayal and a sickness that went straight to his stomach. Nope, nope, nope, nope and nope.

“You're dead, I know you're fucking dead. This can't be happening. I must still be dreaming.” Clint shouted not caring if Natasha still slept. Needing to bring himself back to reality he pinched his arm hard enough to leave a red mark. Okay this was fucking real, no way around that bombshell. Nausea overwhelmed him causing the burn of vomit to hit the back of his throat. Running to the bathroom Clint managed to reach the toilet before throwing up until his stomach emptied and the painful heaving from his chest subsided. After the toilet finished flushing he heard the muffled conversation next door, he didn't really care what they were talking about. Leave the asshole to deal with Natasha. Leaning against the bath, Clint curled up in a ball and now had his panic attack. Fuck his life, why did this always happen, someone would die, he'd mourn then suddenly they were back from the dead. Tears and snot streamed down Clint's face when Natasha poked her head around the door.

“he's gone for now, you alright?”

“stupid question Nat, no I am not okay”

Figuring out where he was she lowered herself next to him and put an arm around him. She let him cry and when they mostly stopped Natasha spoke.

“He's sorry by the way, he didn't know how to tell you without fireworks. He said you are allowed to roam base now and invited us to the birthday party everyone is throwing him”

“How long have you known he was alive, after Shield fell or did Fury tell you even earlier since I'm always the last to find out” betrayal broke into his voice accusing Nat of something Clint knew she wouldn't do.

“I don't like that tone but I'll humor you. I found out yesterday by guessing, I was in the dark just as much as you. I spoke to him last night and while he told me how he's alive it's best you two talk to each other”

“I dunno if I can, it hurts so bad. Are you sure I can't hide, pretending playing nice with his new family is gonna be a bitch”

“If I'm going, you're going. There'll be booze, food and after an hour if you still feel uncomfortable I'll let you escape. I doubt it's as bad as your mind is building it up to be”

Oh how wrong Nat could be, this party was awkward as fuck. Some genius probably May made it Captain America themed, on various surfaces stared the face of their team mate and in some cases the rest of the team. Wearing a Cap party hat Natasha forced on to him Clint had plonked himself next to the booze table and chosen to drink his feelings away. And okay not the brightest thing to do but in his defense he was never that smart to begin with, he was a smart ass but that was considerably different. Nat had abandoned him to talk to May and gather intel on Shield, an opportunity too good to pass up even if they were off duty. The black guy from the tower seemed to be trying to cheer up a kid with sad puppy dog expression and failing, not far from them was Bobbi and her ex Hunter who looked mighty close so by some stupid way they obviously had gotten back together. Everyone else were faceless agents and scientists, all fairly young with idealistic faces. The last person Clint dared to look at was Phil who stood chatting to Daisy, a lump rose in his throat when the younger girl gave Phil a hug. Clint felt jealousy creep up inside, he wished for things to be as easy as Daisy had it. Three years on and Phil still could make his stomach simultaneously do flips and butterflies, god he still was head over heals in love with the man. Chugging down his fifth shot in half an hour Clint decided through the haze of alcohol to annoy the people by no fault of their own ignoring him. He started by forcing Natasha to give over her phone and changed the music from dreary bullshit to something a bit more fitting, thank Tony for every Stark phone owned by the team coming preloaded with enough to stupid music to lift any party. As Hollaback girl blasted through the speakers several agents uttered dismay while others laughed, Natasha rolled her eyes and went back to her conversation. Phil on the other hand glared at Clint showing comprehension on actually seeing the archer.

Grabbing Natasha Clint pulled her towards an empty bit of floor, one of the things he loved about her was being able to go usually go along with whatever stupid idea he had planned. In this case a perfectly choreographed dance they'd practiced during one dull mission. Drawing Natasha closer for a twirl Clint whispered into her ear.

“Distract Phil, I need to talk to earthquake girl without being interrupted. She has some explaining to do”

“Fine, but you owe me big time” Natasha muttered back.

“Love you Tashie”

Spinning her out Natasha gracefully landed in Phil's arms. This left Clint the chance to steal Daisy and take her into a corner.

“Why didn't you tell me Phil was your boss” straight to the point Clint asked the agent.

“I didn't know you were on first name bases with him” her expression gave away surprise.

“he's the person I told you about yesterday who died”

“Shit sorry about that but I had my orders, I can't betray Shield it's my life”

“once upon a time I thought the same, then my brain got taken over by an alien god who used me to kill fellow agents. The man I pledged my loyalty died cause of those actions. I've mourned three years blaming myself for his death and now suddenly I find out Phil is out saving the world. Explain”

“I'm not telling you anything, an outsider has no right coming here to bully answers about things they have no business knowing. Ask him all this stuff and leave me out of it, Coulson sacrificed a lot to keep the family he carved out together. I'm not letting someone fuck it up”

“A family huh, funny me and Nat were his family too. One of the few people either of us could trust to not pull the wool over our eyes. I mean he pretty much saved both our lives by taking us in when most people would put a bullet between our eyes. If he abandoned us who's to say he won't do the same to you”

The slap was expected, Clint didn't flinch from it and just grinned as Daisy gave him a look of pure hatred.

“Coulson wouldn't do not since he came back. I trust him over a bitter ex Shield agent. He lost a whole life including a woman he loved deeply so don't believe you are the one who-”

Interrupting her he spat back “I loved him, like love loved him. And at one point I thought he felt the same. Obviously I'm wrong.”

Daisy tried to stop him from leaving but Clint pushed past her and went straight back the alcohol. Anger and pain seeped deep into the cracks within him. Any fun buzz he had before drained away to a unending sorrow. Reaching for the bottle of vodka someone bumped into him. Most days he'd laugh it off, not today. Turning around Clint unthinkingly yelled.

“Watch where you're going asshole.”

Clint saw as the agent who he swore someone called Fitz face crumpled, the kid appeared to be in some of the same pain Clint himself was going through. Mouth glued shut before Clint could apologize the kid fled with Mack following not far behind. The party stunned, didn't understand what caused Fitz to get so upset as the confrontation was muffled by the loud music. Feeling infinitely shittier Clint took two bottles more of booze, with the chance of escaping opened he took it. Avoiding the party goers he found himself in a hallway off from the main living area. Finding the one thing to calm him down Clint pried off a vent grill and hid a few feet inside. Ah vent drinking, a bad habit picked up when Shield kept track of him for the months after his release from Psych. Taking a swig out of the bottle of vodka he didn't notice he'd been pursued. A bang on the metal broke him out of his funk to decide to ignore whoever it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spent weeks on this bitch and I am pretty proud. If anyone wants to contact me my tumblr is Sailor-Saturn-Silence and TinyTotoroTeaparty.  
> thanks for baring with me on this, I know the first few chapters are scruffy but this is all me trying to get batter at writing in general
> 
> seriously leave me feedback it gives me energy to write more


	6. Chapter 6

Rubbing his eyes Phil stared at Clint from the observation two way mirror, the night before he'd spent tossing and turning. Memories resurfaced as nightmares as sleep became an unattainable goal. The trigger being Clint hurtling back into his life. The thought of Clint being on the other side of the glass as him both a blessing and a curse. Feelings he tried for many years to repress were still there, barely faded unlike the ones about Audrey. Phil had loved her no doubt about it but as the years went by so did the love he had for her. The shock of losing everything made Phil understand the absence of Clint in his hurt a lot more than all the other things gone from him. He wanted badly to go in there to tell the truth and beg for forgiveness but Phil knew not to disturb Clint's sleep. The tests Phil fast tracked came in this morning, the gift Clint acquired had proven safe for the inhabitants of the base. May promptly after reading them informed Phil the party was happening later today, that the food she'd flown in especially would not be going to waste and to go invite Clint and Natasha. Now Phil stood outside watching Clint like a creeper waiting for him to wake up.

Only a small amount of time passed before Clint stirred, well thrashed about then fell out of bed. Clint remained on the floor long enough to worry Phil, before he could gain the courage to go in there and check up on him Clint stood up gingerly. He stretched out then seem to wince, going up the mirror Phil managed look properly at the state Clint had got himself into. With the lack of humor usually plastered on his face Clint appeared older, bags under his eyes taking over the glint of light that should've been there. Like a constant toothache it physically hurt Phil to be so close and unable to breach the distance. Clint turned around and pulled up the back of his shirt. Captivated by the musculature of Clint's back it took him a moment to notice the tattoo Natasha mentioned. The stupid cartoon Phil had drawn during a particularly boring briefing years ago stared back at him, impressively the tattoo artist had managed to keep all the tiny details put in by himself including his initials. Stunned Phil took a moment to gather himself together then walked into the room. All the different ways he'd thought to gently break the news to Clint came to naught when Phil's mouth opened before his brain engaged.

“Nice ink, I bet it has a great story behind it,” internally kicking himself Phil read the emotions rapidly coming off Clint's face. Each one was like another stab through the heart. The sheer brokenness Clint extruded was shown in the way he held himself, making himself smaller without realizing it.

“You're dead, I know you're fucking dead. This can't be happening. I must still be dreaming.” Clint shouting with a cry that sounded like a dying animal is what really killed him. The way he pinched his arm hard enough to live a red mark and then running away from him. All Phil wanted to do was grab Clint's arm and pull him back to try and make things better instead he stood their like an idiot unable to move. Thoughts whirred in in his head, why could he see Clint when obviously everyone who came in contact with him couldn't. An enigma to solve later as the lump on the bed moved.

Natasha woken up by the commotion sat up, her red hair naturally in a mess and eyes promising pain to whoever had disturbed her. Settling her gaze on Phil she huffed and rolled her eyes.

“Couldn't wait until I'd woken up could you?”

“I'll leave, it's fine go deal with Barton” he was just about ready to flee with his tail between his legs.

“No, tell me why you're here before you pull another vanishing act” Natasha said with a barb hidden within the words.

“Barton's tests came back clear, he's now allowed to roam base. May also wants both of you to come to the birthday party she's throwing later today. Neither of you have to come if you don't want to.”

“No We'll be there Phil and stop calling him Barton I don't want you distancing yourself from him. He's changed but so have you, he's still the same Clint underneath all the pain. Just talk to each other for, I want my family to stop being broken.” pain flickered in her perfect green eyes as she spoke.

“I promise I'll try, it's up to Clint now,” leaving felt like a wrench, as the door closed behind Phil the pain inside him threatened to break him once more. Face to face with the agony he'd caused the weight of it pressed down his chest. What if it was too late to fix things. Putting on his agent face Phil buried everything and went back upstairs to do his job.  


The party had been dull, Phil appreciated the fact May went all out cluing him in to the fact she'd probably planned this months in advance. Still he was not in a party mood even with Captain America's face plastered on every surface or all his favourite foods laid out. Right now Phil stood in the corner talking to Daisy, her voice a mix of snark and optimism that reminded him so much of Clint. Without warning she brought him in for a bear hug, Phil's eyes darted to where the archer sat, he noticed the split second pained expression on Clint's face before it vanished. Clint took another shot of liquor, one of many he'd downed in the half hour he'd been here. Taking something off of Natasha the music changed to an annoying pop song, Clint pulled her towards an empty part of the room. They started to dance one of the many choreographed over the years during off moments on missions. Attention in the room focused on the duo, proving while no one could see him Clint could still attract a crowd. Gripped by the sight Phil overlooked the conversation between the two assassins until Clint span Natasha into Phil's arms. Forcing him further into the room she made him twirl her a few times before bringing herself in close. Phil didn't need to be a scientist to know this was some kind of distraction. In the corner of his eye Phil could see Clint sequestered in a corner with Daisy, whatever they talked about ended with a slap from Daisy and Clint storming back to the liquor table. Fitz accidentally bumped into him causing Clint to obviously snap. Not good, Fitz ran off with Mack going after him while Clint grabbed a bottle of alcohol in each hand and vanished. Breaking off the dance with Natasha, Phil knew this was the perfect chance to speak to Clint alone.

 

Banging the inside of the vent Phil waited for an answer. None came. There had been times in the past when Clint would so bad he'd push away everyone who cared about him. Usually after a mission went catastrophically wrong. Over the years Phil learned the hard way that the past still haunted him. Phil never tried to pry into it and let Clint open up at his own pace. Knowing the reason the archer being in such a state was his own fault Phil internally cringed. It looked like he'd need to bring out the big guns. If anything could lure Clint down it would be food.

“I know you're in there. Look I understand why you're upset, I'm an idiot for pretending to be dead for three years. I owe you a proper explanation, for that to happen we need to go to my office. I'll even let you eat the fancy champagne truffles someone gave me. Just please Clint I need to make this right” Phil didn't wait for an answer, sometimes it was better to leave it the other person to decide. He couldn't force Clint to hear him out. Walking back to his office felt like an eternity, the sounds of the party slowly losing volume as Phil grew closer to his destination. As he unlocked the door the hairs on the back of his neck alerted him to the presence of someone behind him. Not even bothering to look back Phil entered the room and held the door open. Perching on one end of his desk he paused and let Clint investigate his surroundings before settling himself on the far side of Phil.

Putting the bottles between them as a barrier Clint went straight to the point “I'm still waiting for a how and why you're alive, no one will tell me”

“it's complicated, Shield did a questionable thing bringing me back. The technology had some major side effects and consequences. My team tries to keep quiet about it to try and spare my feelings. I wish I could say if I could go back I'd change things but I wouldn't. The reasons why I doubt you'd want to listen too. All I can offer you is a heartfelt apology.” Phil replied back. Hiding his face from Clint as he dug into a drawer for the chocolates. Finding them he tossed the small box to Clint. The archer taking no time to tear into it and start eating them with gusto.

Mouth full he bulldozed over Phil's evasive maneuver. He'd forgotten how good Clint was at doing that “complete bullshit. You don't want to tell me cause it hurts to talk about it. Well here's the thing I don't care if you're a zombie or goddamn robot I just want to know the truth. It can't be crazier than some of the stuff we've dealt with over the years”

“I'll keep it brief, an alien's body had its healing properties synthesized by Shield scientists. They injected me with it some time after I died, it brought me back but the major flaw in the project was the problems it caused once it fixed people. The only cure they ever found was to rewire the subject's brain and make them forget the procedure. Six months after New York I came back to the job believing I'd spent my recovery time in Tahiti when actually I had been in an underground facility having my memories altered so I could return to Shield.” As Phil relived his trauma the second time in two days he tried the gauge the other man's reaction.

Clint's face remaining passive until he hit the mind rewrite, showing a mixture of anger and guilt before asking a cryptic question. “Holy shit, how badly did they fuck with your memories? Like do you remember stuff from just before dying.”

“the details leading up to it are hazy, I remember bits of pieces on the Helicarrier and being stabbed but then again that is kind of hard to forget. I'm surprised you haven't asked about the hand, it's the first thing Nat wanted to know.”

“judging by your life choices I can make a guess. But Christ Phil, I understand how much it fucking sucks to have someone mess with your mind. It hurts to know you went through it alone, I could've helped.”

“my choice, you had a life to lead and it was better to spare your feelings by keeping you in the dark. You needed to move on and I still believe I should've stayed dead. The world never needed me as much as it needed you. ” Phil admitted something no one else knew, he wanted the restful death he'd been robbed of. Instead Fury forced upon him a duty he'd started to grow tired of but Phil would never forsake.

Clint's hand found itself on top of Phil's, slowly squeezing it. Voice breaking he told him off “don't say that, don't even think it. I fell apart when you died Phil. Guilt consumed me, the mind control was only a small part of it. It's the things left unsaid the weeks leading up to it. I remember so clearly us sleeping together a week before the Helicarrier, then you started to avoid me. Eventually I trapped you in your office and gave you an ultimatum, me or Audrey. No take backs or changing your mind, you had to stick with who you chose” the information whirred in Phil's mind, now he started to grasp why Clint seemed so uneasy around him. He'd bared his heart out and in return Phil died on him.

“Did I ever give my answer?” not bothering to wait for an answer Phil stood up. Pulling in Clint for a kiss, it started with the archer unyielding against him before gradually giving up and returning it. Still even years on this felt right, like home, family and warmth all rolled into one. How had Phil gone through all this time without him by his side. Things never had been this good with Audrey. Neither of them wanted to deepen the kiss, keeping it chaste. That's when pricks of wetness hit his cheek and Clint pushed him away. A bottle fell over and spilled everywhere as the other man knocked it over in haste to get away.

Tears were streaming down Clint's face, pain marring his normally happy features. “I can't do this again Phil, three years ago you made it clear who won and it was Shield. I never had a chance. What you did or in this case didn't do scarred. I dunno if and when I'll be ready to even talk about a possibility of an us.”

Words stuck in his throat Phil watched as Clint ran from the room with a broken expression. He should've know there would be no easy fix. No amount of apologies or trying to convince Clint Shield didn't need him anymore would help, it'd be a lie and disrespectful to the archer. Cleaning up the mess Phil waited, hoping Clint had calmed down enough to come back and talk some more. The hours ticked by as finished and stared at a wall, eventually giving up on the fantasy of things turning out okay. He'd messed up badly and all Phil could do was let Clint go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only an epilogue to do and then this bitch is done. I am tired and stuff and I meant to add more but fuck it I want to stop wanting to scream at it  
> please leave comments and kudos.


	7. Chapter 7

Pacing to and fro in his office Phil replayed the night's events over again in his head. Clint's broken face accusing him of something he couldn't deny. He had picked Shield and he would make the same decision again if he had to. He may be tired of the duty thrust upon him but Phil knew the world needed not just Captain America's Shield but his too. There was no way around it, either they both compromised or they remained forever separated. It hurt to understand that no matter how much you loved someone you couldn't take away the pain inside their minds. All you could do was wait and hope one day they'd open up to you. And Phil would wait, even if Clint never came back he'd remain in one place. Finally he collapsed onto his office chair, May had come looking for him a couple hours after leaving the party, she'd taken one look at Phil and tactically retreated. His mood in an obvious downward spiral she did not want to poke at with a hundred foot barge pole. Even if Phil was falling apart. He probably should go back to his room and go to bed, the last two nights too eventful for proper sleep but he still held some hope for Clint to return. Finally as the sun made it appearance for the day Phil collapsed into his office chair and closed his eyes. As he dozed off the door burst open.

“Coulson I'm sorry to wake you but we have an emergency on our hands” Daisy sounded concerned, this couldn't wait until after his nap.

“what's happened this time, please say the world isn't ending again” he replied

“Um no, it's Barton. He's left base. No one realized until we did a check in this morning and only found Romanoff. We're trying to locate him using facial recognition but no dice, he's vanished”

Pushing past Daisy Phil half ran towards the inhuman containment area, ignoring the agents surprised by his sudden arrival. Internally he swore a lot, he'd never expected in a thousand years Clint would actually run off base. Phil thought he'd have a repeat of last night, the archer hiding somewhere nearby licking his wounds instead Clint was gone completely. Once at the containment door and with no intentions of playing it cool Phil went in. Sitting on the bed her face nonchalant was Natasha, sharpening a knife and looking like she wanted to kill someone. That someone probably being himself.

“I know I have no right in asking but where is Clint?” Phil asked Natasha with anxiety in his voice.

“Gone” she countered tersely.

“need a bit more info than just that, I'm worried and I want to make sure he's okay”

“right now I'm pissed, I warned you not to upset him. If I hadn't promised Clint not to I'd be using this knife. Instead he wanted me to give you this note and to respect his wishes.” she held out a piece of paper towards him, Phil took it and quickly opened it. It took him several times to read it before the words sunk in.

_Phil I need time to figure things out, just being near you almost makes me break my resolve and go back to you. Natasha has no idea where I'm going and she wouldn't tell you if she knew. And don't bother looking for me, I'm gone and won't be coming back any time soon._

_Clint._

Clint wouldn't be returning, he'd left like a thief in the night. He'd really left without even a proper goodbye, leaving a note like it'd explain everything. Really all it did was leave more questions unanswered and Phil knew they'd stay that way. Rapidly making the decision to follow the archer's wishes. Forcing him to return solved nothing and Phil going after him would leave Shield vulnerable. Feeling helpless Phil silently prayed for Clint's safety before leaving the room and trying to go back to his normal routine even if his heart wasn't in it.

 

_***_

 

It had been two months since Clint got the fuck out of dodge. Early on he figured out what triggered his gift on and off, it was connected to his emotions. Spending the first few weeks getting past the sharp learning curve Clint could mostly control his power now. Hilariously Bruce's stupid early morning meditation hour helped keep it in check. From time to time if he wasn't paying attention he'd vanish from sight but it happened rarely now. Except on days when Clint's chest felt hollow and the world seemed to close in around him. Thoughts of Phil swirling around his head and guilting him for leaving, so many times Clint had almost turned round and ran back but something in him stopped him. On those days no one saw him, making it so much harder to even try to move forward. But Clint did so anyway. Best thing he found out had to be his power could be shared, if he touched someone they would gain the ability and become invisible to everyone but Clint. It came in handy when he needed to interrogate some information from a couple civilians about the target he was tracking. A little job Natasha gave him the night he left, something to do to feel useful while figuring shit out.

Now Clint stood in the middle of bumfuck nowhere Europe waiting for the cute barista to finish making his coffee. Absentmindedly he flipped a gold business card between his fingers, he had no idea where it'd come from and it puzzled him. Someone deliberately left it beside him while he bought food yesterday. The thing was completely blank except for his name and from the feel of it made of pure gold. The mystery of it intrigued him, who left it? Were they friend or foe? Would they mind him sending it to Tony for analysis? or was it something he should keep secret. Pocketing it Clint chose the last option, someone obviously wanted him to have it so it must have some importance.

Brought out of his thoughts Clint heard the barista call out his order “er Rusty Shackleford? Your coffee's ready.”

Chuckling under his breath Clint held up his hand and waved to get the girl's attention. Oh he knew the name was conspicuous, he wanted to be remembered. Taking out a postcard with a picture of the Eiffel tower on it from a pocket he left it for the barista to hold onto until someone came and inquired about him. The back of it was blank except for the words _I told you, you won't find me unless I let you_ scrawled messily in Clint's handwriting. Picking up his coffee he went over to a counter and dumped a fuck tonne of sugar into it. Leaving the generic chain cafe Clint took a sip of his drink as he scanned for security cameras until he found one. He'd been avoiding them like the plague since he'd went off on his own but now Clint purposefully let them catch sight of him. Grinning at the camera long enough for any facial recognition to identify him, Clint understood he only had a short amount of time before Shield swarmed the area looking for him.

The presence of Shield would make the next part easy, his target couldn't run from him without fear of bumping into well meaning agents. Melting into the crowd Clint walked towards where he'd find the target on one of his daily chores. He'd been watching the guy for over a week and following him even longer. Dude could hide better than anyone Clint knew, including Natasha. He had the upper hand though, no one saw him unless he wanted them to. He had him cornered now. Across the street the target stopped at a stall. Clad in a scruffy hoodie and jacket what finally gave away his identity was the split second flash of metal from under his sleeve as it rode up. Crossing over the road Clint stood behind the Winter Soldier and pulled him into an alley.

 

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finished, yes I am evil and I do have two other parts planned but first I need to finish off Avengermon go!  
> this was always going to be a trilogy to let me mess around with my fave pairings so don't worry about me leaving it open ended. my reasons are a secret.
> 
> I also really have to take a break for a while, I am tired and in a lot of pain.
> 
> thanks for reading and please leave comments and kudos. the kind comments motivate me

**Author's Note:**

> this has been kicking around in my head for a while but I kept getting stuck on what Clint's gift should be. I really didn't want to go down the bird route and I had a whole list of maybes before choosing what I felt was right.
> 
> I'll add more tags when I think of them, please leave me feedback via comments and kudos


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